The Truth (part one)

     This post isn't for the weak at heart or for those who only want to read about wonderful things.  This won't be about butterflies and rainbows, in fact it will be about the void of such things.
      My husband and I recently had a conversation about the difficulties of life.  I'm not going to divulge everything in our personal lives out in the open for all of the internet to see, but suffice it to say that in the ten and a half years we've been married, life hasn't always been full of happiness and it hasn't always been easy.  We've certainly made wrong choices or bad decisions.  But there have been times when we've been faced with choices that aren't pleasant or comfortable.  There have been difficult times in our marriage as well as good ones.  Isn't not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies over here.
      When we found out we were expecting our son, it was against a doctor's predicted odds.  Just a few weeks prior to my getting a positive pregnancy test, my doctor told me it may be impossible for me to have a baby on my own.  I was so thankful that I was given this gift of my own child.  A few weeks later, the sickness hit and it didn't stop until delivery.  In fact, I was sick so often that there were several instances that my doctor talked about putting me in the hospital on IVs.  My back hurt so bad while I was pregnant (which could have been fixed, more on that later) that I was miserable and often in a lot of pain.  My blood pressure was high. I retained so much water that none of my shoes fit and I couldn't wear my wedding rings or my watch.  I couldn't stand the sight or smell of any chicken.  I couldn't take out the trash or I'd puke.  I went into labor and over 24 hours later after an epidural and pitocin, I pushed for over 2 hours.  Austin was so big that he just wouldn't come down.  He still has a slight scar between his eyes from my bone during delivery.  After a grueling labor and attempt at delivery, I ended up having a c-section.  If you saw a picture of me after delivery, you wouldn't believe it was me.  After they took me to my room, my blood pressure began to skyrocket.  I was so thirsty and felt horrible.  They wouldn't even let me have ice chips and I was so exhausted.  A doctor may tell you I'm wrong, but I really think that if they would have let me have something to drink and had left me alone to rest I would have been okay.  But they came in and turned me on my left side.  I was no longer numb from the epidural and I had a fresh incision.  When they began turning me I begged them not to.  It hurt so bad.  As they turned me they told me that they had to so they could get my blood pressure to drop.  I began SCREAMING.  I didn't scream like that when my epidural wore off during delivery.  I was worn out, but I can tell you that I remember thinking that my incision was going to bust open right there in that room.  My husband held a box of kleenex while I balled my eyes out in pain.  They finally came in with some morphine and put it in my IV.  I guess they gave me enough to knock me out because I remember falling asleep.  I guess you can't have a woman screaming in the recovery section of labor and delivery.  The turning did it's job.  To this day I remember it as one of the most traumatic events of my life.  I wouldn't wish that pain on the worst of criminals.  They put those pressure cuffs on my legs all night that night and I remember calling the nurse over and over again and begging for something to drink.  I just wanted something to drink.  They wouldn't even let me wash my mouth out.  I was dirty and covered in sweat and it was miserable.  They did let Austin stay in our room that night and I remember that between begging for something to drink, I was trying to nurse him.  The next morning they tried to get me out of the bed.  I hadn't drank anything for going on 72 hours now so I was limp like a rag.  The angel, also known as the Nurses Aide, that was trying to help me kindly asked me if I had eaten or drank anything.  When I explained that even though I had begged, I had in fact had nothing to eat or drink, she came to my aide.  I will never forget the four 8 ounce portions of grape juice I drank in about 2 minutes.  It was fabulous and felt so good.  She let me rest a bit so I wouldn't be lightheaded anymore and then she came back and helped me up.  God bless those women.  They helped me go to the restroom, they bathed me in the shower.  They washed my hair and helped me get dressed into fresh clothes.  It couldn't have been pleasant for them, but they were a Godsend.  I can still remember what they looked like. They helped me throughout the rest of my stay and I am forever grateful.
   After I took Austin home, recovery was difficult.  It was painful and I never really got over that pinching feeling from the incision.  My back still hurt and I just wasn't myself.  I struggled with depression and even ended up on anti-depressants when he was about 15 months old.  I had doctors blow me off about my pain and tell me that there wasn't anything wrong with me.  Finally, I had a doctor declare that I must have scar tissue.  She admitted it couldn't be seen on any kind of scan.  I started Therapy for women with my kind of issues.  That woman helped me fix my back and tailbone pain and told me that I could have seen her during my pregnancy to help with that pain.  My skin from my abdomen was so full of adhesions, that it felt like you were ripping it apart when you pulled it.  Finally, I decided I couldn't take it anymore.  My son was nearing his second birthday and I felt like I just got out of labor and delivery.  I told my husband I no longer wanted to feel like I had just had a baby and I couldn't deal with it anymore.  I made another appointment and went in and scheduled a laparoscopy.

To be continued....