The Truth (part two)

You can read the first part of this story here.

  So after a laparoscopy, I began to feel like a human being again.  The doctor did find some scar tissue and some endometriosis, and he removed it all.  After a few days, I began to feel alive again.  I began to feel like I could be a mom and play with my son without being in pain.  I felt like a participant in my marriage and like I could live and not just get through the day.
  I didn't tell Austin's birth story to the whole world so that I could garner support.  But the truth is that just because I call Jesus my Lord does not mean that life comes without trials.  I wanted nothing more than to have a few kids and be a mom.  But my body isn't so fond of the whole giving birth thing.  Does it mean that I'm not a good enough Christian or that I'm not thankful enough to the Lord.  I heard several comments from other Christians when I was enduring my difficult pregnancy "Oh, I loved being pregnant, I was so thankful to the Lord for my baby that all those little symptoms didn't bother me."  Okay, honestly folks... who in the world would want to revel in the fact that puking was a regular part of your day?  Really, do you think that I wanted to be that miserable?  Well, no, I didn't.  It was no fun.  I still have heartburn issues due to my little fella.  But you know what?  I am thankful that God allowed me to have my son.  I can't imagine my life without him.  What I went through was terrible, but I love my son and I am thankful for him.  No level of thankfulness to the Lord will help you avoid trials and tribulations.  God has a plan in it all, even if it's bad.
    Call it Christianese.  My husband and I often refer to them as Used Car Salesmen.  You can call it whatever you want.  But there are some REALLY fake people that grace the doors of churches every Sunday.  Why these folks never have any problems.  Why?  Well that's because they call the good Lord just that, Lord.  Why since they were saved they've never had problems.  The bills have always been paid with ease, nothing in the house has broken when they don't have the funds to fix it, everyone is healthy, and their job is sunshine and roses.  At least that's what they want you to think.
  But the truth?  Life is ugly.  People sin.  They act in ways they don't want to and they make stupid mistakes.  People are judgmental and rude.  Things don't work out the way we want them to.  You can make the grandest of plans, but God has another plan and it just might not fit in your little box.
  I recently read Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman, and it is an amazing book.  This book goes into detail about Mary Beth's own journey through life's struggles.  She talks about how those smaller struggles led up to the biggest struggle of her life; the death of her five year old daughter.  She is very clear in the book that God has a plan in the mess.  It might be a huge mess, but God has a plan in that huge mess.
   I think it's high time that Christians start being real.  Real about the truth of life. God sent His Son Jesus to die for us.  Because of that, we can have everlasting life when we accept Him as our Savior.  And God has a plan for each of us and orders our step according to His purpose.  But the truth?  Those steps aren't always wonderful, they aren't always rainbows and sunshine.  However, there are times that you see God's purpose in a trial and you come through a situation where you can see where God had you headed.  Bottom line, in the end God's plan is perfect, even if the details are messy and terrible.  And that's the truth.

The Truth (part one)

     This post isn't for the weak at heart or for those who only want to read about wonderful things.  This won't be about butterflies and rainbows, in fact it will be about the void of such things.
      My husband and I recently had a conversation about the difficulties of life.  I'm not going to divulge everything in our personal lives out in the open for all of the internet to see, but suffice it to say that in the ten and a half years we've been married, life hasn't always been full of happiness and it hasn't always been easy.  We've certainly made wrong choices or bad decisions.  But there have been times when we've been faced with choices that aren't pleasant or comfortable.  There have been difficult times in our marriage as well as good ones.  Isn't not all sunshine, rainbows and butterflies over here.
      When we found out we were expecting our son, it was against a doctor's predicted odds.  Just a few weeks prior to my getting a positive pregnancy test, my doctor told me it may be impossible for me to have a baby on my own.  I was so thankful that I was given this gift of my own child.  A few weeks later, the sickness hit and it didn't stop until delivery.  In fact, I was sick so often that there were several instances that my doctor talked about putting me in the hospital on IVs.  My back hurt so bad while I was pregnant (which could have been fixed, more on that later) that I was miserable and often in a lot of pain.  My blood pressure was high. I retained so much water that none of my shoes fit and I couldn't wear my wedding rings or my watch.  I couldn't stand the sight or smell of any chicken.  I couldn't take out the trash or I'd puke.  I went into labor and over 24 hours later after an epidural and pitocin, I pushed for over 2 hours.  Austin was so big that he just wouldn't come down.  He still has a slight scar between his eyes from my bone during delivery.  After a grueling labor and attempt at delivery, I ended up having a c-section.  If you saw a picture of me after delivery, you wouldn't believe it was me.  After they took me to my room, my blood pressure began to skyrocket.  I was so thirsty and felt horrible.  They wouldn't even let me have ice chips and I was so exhausted.  A doctor may tell you I'm wrong, but I really think that if they would have let me have something to drink and had left me alone to rest I would have been okay.  But they came in and turned me on my left side.  I was no longer numb from the epidural and I had a fresh incision.  When they began turning me I begged them not to.  It hurt so bad.  As they turned me they told me that they had to so they could get my blood pressure to drop.  I began SCREAMING.  I didn't scream like that when my epidural wore off during delivery.  I was worn out, but I can tell you that I remember thinking that my incision was going to bust open right there in that room.  My husband held a box of kleenex while I balled my eyes out in pain.  They finally came in with some morphine and put it in my IV.  I guess they gave me enough to knock me out because I remember falling asleep.  I guess you can't have a woman screaming in the recovery section of labor and delivery.  The turning did it's job.  To this day I remember it as one of the most traumatic events of my life.  I wouldn't wish that pain on the worst of criminals.  They put those pressure cuffs on my legs all night that night and I remember calling the nurse over and over again and begging for something to drink.  I just wanted something to drink.  They wouldn't even let me wash my mouth out.  I was dirty and covered in sweat and it was miserable.  They did let Austin stay in our room that night and I remember that between begging for something to drink, I was trying to nurse him.  The next morning they tried to get me out of the bed.  I hadn't drank anything for going on 72 hours now so I was limp like a rag.  The angel, also known as the Nurses Aide, that was trying to help me kindly asked me if I had eaten or drank anything.  When I explained that even though I had begged, I had in fact had nothing to eat or drink, she came to my aide.  I will never forget the four 8 ounce portions of grape juice I drank in about 2 minutes.  It was fabulous and felt so good.  She let me rest a bit so I wouldn't be lightheaded anymore and then she came back and helped me up.  God bless those women.  They helped me go to the restroom, they bathed me in the shower.  They washed my hair and helped me get dressed into fresh clothes.  It couldn't have been pleasant for them, but they were a Godsend.  I can still remember what they looked like. They helped me throughout the rest of my stay and I am forever grateful.
   After I took Austin home, recovery was difficult.  It was painful and I never really got over that pinching feeling from the incision.  My back still hurt and I just wasn't myself.  I struggled with depression and even ended up on anti-depressants when he was about 15 months old.  I had doctors blow me off about my pain and tell me that there wasn't anything wrong with me.  Finally, I had a doctor declare that I must have scar tissue.  She admitted it couldn't be seen on any kind of scan.  I started Therapy for women with my kind of issues.  That woman helped me fix my back and tailbone pain and told me that I could have seen her during my pregnancy to help with that pain.  My skin from my abdomen was so full of adhesions, that it felt like you were ripping it apart when you pulled it.  Finally, I decided I couldn't take it anymore.  My son was nearing his second birthday and I felt like I just got out of labor and delivery.  I told my husband I no longer wanted to feel like I had just had a baby and I couldn't deal with it anymore.  I made another appointment and went in and scheduled a laparoscopy.

To be continued....